It may not have been so for my father but it has been for me a crushing weight having to take care of everyone of everything to push forward from day to day without end in sight and I longed for freedom so long ago I even forgot that fact this day I feel it physically so thoroughly exhausted that my ears are ringing and the very ingestion of air into my lungs takes a concerted effort to make happen I am once more crushed under the weight of responsibility and long to flee, back to the Himalayas of my youth to sit in the stillness and quiet high above the world and its noise, its illusions, deceptions its conflicts, its dramas and constant questioning and to think of my life as a dream to be discarded an inconsequential, transient inconvenience to be left behind forgotten and never again thought of alas, I remain still in the world and must yet find the strength to bear the burdens of living though this I must do in secret that those who know and love me may never suspect that I was never one of them and that I robbed their solitude cheating them of proper company [9 IV 2024]